tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
