She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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