the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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