dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
