it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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