If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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