how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
