my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
