I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
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Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
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he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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