why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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