Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
