Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My breasts were aching with rage.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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