just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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