I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
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Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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