foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
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