I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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