So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm too high and old for this...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
