the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
