Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
