Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she peed on how many people?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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