Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
