my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
