end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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