Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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