I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
