I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
