And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
