You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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