They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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