a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
