remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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