Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
