i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
