i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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