Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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