i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
