The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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