she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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