u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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