Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
