Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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