I like to think it a success when the cops are called
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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