My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
