i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
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The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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