I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
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His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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