I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
