Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
why is half of my head shaved?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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