Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
