He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
