A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
