My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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