This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
