i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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