i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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