my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
