I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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